Open Diary: Why do I bottle up my emotions?

Photo by Elina Krima from Pexels

I bottle up my emotions because I think that's what makes me strong. I think that it's what's bringing me forward when the reality is it's pushing me down so far to the point of exhaustion—of pretending to be okay.

I let my emotions build up like a bottle just for it all to explode in one night. One night to release all the pent-up emotions that I never gave the chance to breathe; quickly being whisked away into the prison of my mind. One night of pain, all to be forgotten until the next unlucky night. Never fully being open on the outside, and crumbling on the inside, and that's exactly how I liked it for a while. This way, I was never a nuisance or considered a burden or annoying. But in doing so, I chose the lonely road.

As a result, I sometimes feel detached from people and feel lonely. Despite being with people in the moment, the loneliness just hits like a ton of bricks. But, what scares me most is being vulnerable; it's backfired on me before and never again, however, it is a fear that still exists in my mind. After all these years, I've learned to ignore most of my anxieties, but I could never avoid ultimately exploding, just like a shaken champagne bottle waiting to pop.

I bottle up my feelings because I worry and think...

"Will they still like me once they find out this emotional side of me?" I think I know the answer to this question, and yet, I'm still afraid. I'm always crippled by too much fear. The "what if's", and the "if this happens..." But I also know that I'm preventing myself the opportunity to greater happiness, and to create a deeper connection with someone. And there is nothing more I long for than to be comfortable, not only in my skin but with my own mind.

This is why, slowly but surely, I'm breaking off pieces of my mask to reveal the beautifully imperfect person that I am. I'm beginning to understand that while there is great fear in being vulnerable, there is also a great relief to be found in opening up to someone who gives you a safe space to do so.

This feeling won't go away, at least not for a while. I've found people who I know will love me regardless of what fears and insecurities I may have and I know that in order for me to move forward I have to let go of the fear of rejection or judgment. I must be aware but not afraid. It's been a part of me for as long as I can remember. But even I know that I can only act for so long. I'm learning every day and I know my feelings don't make me weak or less strong. They make me human.

So, to anyone reading this who's in the same boat as me; I'm with you.

xx