Why Do We Ignore Red Flags? #NoFilterFriday

One of the most important lessons I've learned in 2020 is that hindsight is indeed 20/20 (no pun intended). I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship in the beginning of the year and I've become more self-aware as I started to focus on myself overall. With this, I was able to reflect on my experiences in the past, including all the red flags I chose to ignore and what I had to put up with as consequences.

Why I chose to ignore red flags

Vulnerability plays a big factor in relationships. I jumped into my first "big girl" relationship right after high school (and right after a previously abusive and immature relationship) and allowed myself to get taken advantage of by offering too much without leaving much for myself. I saw this new spark as an opportunity for healing and renewal - perhaps it was the overwhelming amount of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in my system, or perhaps I simply didn't know better.

The red flags were evident from the beginning (in hindsight, of course) but I always found a way to justify the bad behaviour. I told myself that if I truly loved someone, I would accept them for who they are, even if this jeopardized my mental health. The red flags didn't seem as daunting because I did not have time to heal from my previous relationship.

Since that was my first adult relationship, I shared so many firsts with my partner at the time, which included sleepovers, trips, buying our first cars, and many other milestones. We both shared the same sense of humour, hobbies, and we were basically the same person (which is a red flag in itself). I made myself believe that this person was the one, so I chose to ignore the warning signs that showed that he wasn't the one.

Gaslighting

The lies eventually turned into infidelity a few months into the relationship, and even after then, I chose to take him back because he managed to turn the situation around and blamed our long-distance relationship at the time. Since I had to move to a different city for university, I took the blame and put more effort into our relationship, because I was scared that if I didn't give him the time and affection that he needed, he'd cheat on me again - which he did, even after all the effort I put in (this is a story for a different post). I would drive home for two hours every weekend so I could spend more time with him, and endure another two hours of driving back at night so I could savour our last day of the weekend together.

I was with this person for almost four years, and after all the manipulation, I was made to believe that enduring the pain was part of the ups and downs of a strong relationship. I constantly told myself that the mistakes (yes, including the cheating) were made because we started the relationship at a young age and that we knew better a few years later. Spoiler alert: we didn't.

I realized the gaslighting was bad when I would be scared to bring issues up because I didn't want to upset him and cause an argument. Whenever I did, I was told that all I wanted to do was argue and blame him for every inconvenience that occurred. He never apologized for things unless I basically begged him to, and when he did, it would go along the lines of "I'm sorry YOU feel that way" instead of actually taking responsibility for his actions. In the event that we do settle an issue, he would promise to change and even though he did for a while, all those efforts would disappear in a few months.

Over the years, we developed a co-dependent relationship to the point where our several attempts to break up would fail, because we were so used to being in each other's company - this is another red flag! Our relationship was a constant cycle of efforts that came in waves, but the problems never resolved themselves. Instead, they all built up in the end until we fell sick and tired of the redundant arguments.

How it affected me and what I've learned from it

After being involved in such an emotionally draining relationship, I lost track of who I truly was. It felt like my whole life revolved around our relationship. I developed severe anxiety mainly due to all the lying and cheating, and even though he would help me cope with it during the relationship, some gaslighting would still occur such as refusing to give me the reassurance I needed and getting mad when I would get anxiety spirals.

I also turned into a toxic partner. This is important to talk about, as I also developed unhealthy habits in the relationship such as co-dependency due to lack of trust. Never stay in a relationship if you do not trust your partner. We both ended up being overly cautious about each other's actions and did not trust each other when we were out with our friends. After he cheated on me, I was so determined to make him pay for his actions so I would set unrealistic expectations and get angry when they were not met.

I distanced myself from my friends and started lying to them. The hardest part was not being able to tell my friends everything that was happening because I was scared of being judged. I was so focused on portraying the "relationship goals" picture externally that I constantly forgot how bad the relationship was getting.

Healing is not a linear process. Throughout the relationship, I was expected to heal from the trauma on a straight path. When I would get anxiety attacks, he would guilt trip me by saying "I thought we were making progress but you're taking two steps back," but now I'm aware that relapsing is a normal part of the healing process, and I shouldn't let anyone tell me otherwise.

Overall, the trauma caused me to doubt my intuition, lose confidence in myself, and somehow lost faith in love, but I'm glad that I allowed myself to stay single for more than a year because I've built myself back up and I've never been more in love with myself than I am now. I am more confident than ever. I've realized that real love comes from wholeheartedly loving yourself before anybody else, and I will forever be grateful for this valuable lesson.

xx,