Depression, Anxiety, and a Pandemic

Hey guys! If you’ve been following us, you might have noticed a recurring theme in most of our posts: self-care and mental health. That’s because many of us, millennials, get so invested in different aspects of our lives that we tend to forget what’s important--- ourselves! Our 20s is basically an abyss between teenage years and adulthood. Am I still a teen or am I an adult? Most of us would probably say, “I’m a teen forced to do adult things!”. Yep, you are not alone. Today, I’ll share with you my mental health journey and how the pandemic has affected it, on top of other “adult” things. I’m writing this post in hopes that someone somewhere (you) will be able to read this and know that they (you) are not alone in this journey; that everyone fucks up and it’s okay. Let’s go… (Check out the end of the post for a list of mental health resources)

If you or someone you know are in immediate danger and are in great distress, please call 9-1-1.

Hey, it’s C and I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I first started seeing a therapist in 2019, but I have been struggling for years. My mental health has been slowly (rapidly tbh) declining in the past few years and I could never get myself to reach out for help. But that year, something changed. It took guts to finally get myself to call the school counselling services (it's free – use your resources!). It wasn’t an easy journey after that. Things didn’t magically turn into rainbows and butterflies. I was still stuck in a dark hole, but I was trying and that’s all that mattered. Fast forward to March of 2020, my anxiety and depression still didn’t get that much better and my therapist suggested that I talk to my family doctor. It took me so long to finally reach out to my doctor about my mental health. To me, it felt like I have finally hit rock-bottom. Some time had passed and I finally decided to put all my fears out the window. That, in itself, was a hard battle. But I did it. I knew I needed help. I wanted to be better. The doctor prescribed me with antidepressants. Great. After getting my meds from the pharmacy, I stepped out and sobbed. I thought to myself, “How did it get this bad?”, I thought to myself. I was at rock-bottom. The next couple of months were worse to say the least. It was hell. As they say, “It gets worse before it gets better”. I thought that was cliché, but it is actually true. I got prescribed a higher dose after a month and things slowly started to turn up for me. It wasn’t only because of the medication. I had put some effort into trying to get myself better, as well. Some days were easy, most days were hard, but I kept trying. With the help of my therapist, the medication, and the people around me, I was finally able to get my head out of the water.

Fast forward to September of 2020. School starts and I have a shit ton on my plate. Not to mention, a pandemic! I thought I was better. Despite the pandemic, I knew I had the resources to help me, but boy was I wrong! Things started to go downhill. Online classes, quizzes and essays almost everyday, starting work again, volunteering, and running a blog! I was crazy enough to think that I could do all of this! Slowly but surely, the amount of stress started to increase. I dropped a volunteer opportunity early on in the semester. Next, I dropped one of my classes. Sad to say, it still did not help. I’m not sure what happened. Maybe it was the pressure of trying to go back to “normal” even in the midst of the pandemic? However, I know I am not alone. I’m not the only one struggling in our new reality. I know it’s not the reality that I had imagined or expected, but it is what is. With the world trying to function like “normal”, I felt stuck. I was not ready. I struggled with my anxiety every single day. Anxious thoughts fill my mind every second, telling me that I’m not good enough because I can’t function as well as other people right now. My life is a nightmare. It got to a point where I started hurting myself and thoughts of dying and taking away my life would flood my mind (not the first time). I knew I’ve hit rock-bottom again. A loved one getting diagnosed with COVID was the turning point for me. I was done. I just wanted to die and disappear from this world. It was too much.

If you or someone you know are in immediate danger and are in great distress, please call 9-1-1.

During this time, we often forget that the world has drastically changed. We are in a middle of a pandemic and life isn’t the same. Our whole lives have basically been turned upside-down in a blink of an eye. Yet, we still push ourselves and expect ourselves to “function normally” and beat ourselves up for not being able to. We are going through so much right now. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault if you’re not at your best right now. Most of us aren’t. You aren’t alone in this. Life may seem to act like normal, but it isn’t and it’s okay to acknowledge that you’re having a hard time adapting to this change. Acceptance. Accept that you are struggling. Own it. But don’t let it define you. You are resilient.

To sum this up, I made the hard decision to drop all of my classes this semester. It was a hard decision, but I felt that it was the right decision. I feel relieved and happier ever since. I started to focus on myself and trying new things. I’m working on healing. Although I still hate to admit that I’ve dropped out of my classes this semester, it was the best decision I’ve made. That’s okay. Do what you need to do. Take care of yourself. YOU come first. It will take me a bit longer to graduate and I will have to take those classes again, but I’m happier. I took care of my mental health. Because at the end of the day, YOU matter. Nothing else matters but YOU. I’m restarting right now. I’m taking things one little step at a time. I won’t put too much on my plate. Just small steps. I’ve also explored into things I’ve always wanted to do like watercolour painting. If you’ve ever heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you’ll know that creativity is one factor that will help you achieve your ideal self. Creativity helps you heal. Creativity helps your thoughts. That’s what’s working for me right now. Be creative. Whatever creativity might look, sound and feel like for you. It’s okay if you’re not good at it. Express yourself! You need it. This post, in itself, is my way of expressing and I can't begin to tell you how scary and freeing this feels. Scared to put my truth out there. Scared that people will judge me. At the same time, I'm happy I got this out of my system. I'm happy I have a platform to share my experience with people who are also going through the same thing that I am.

Although, I’m not really 100% there yet, but I’m feeling much better. Small steps. That’s all that matters. It’s been more bad days than good days for me lately if I’m being honest. But I feel better. Prioritize your well-being and everything else will follow. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time. Don’t be afraid to put yourself first. You are not alone. Reach out to someone. It may be a close friend, a family member, or better yet, a therapist (if you're not comfortable opening up to someone you know). Don't be afraid to reach out to someone. People aren't meant to be alone. People are social beings. It's okay to admit that you need help. It will surprise you how much people are willing to help you and support you. As much as you think people will judge you, there are genuine people in your life who actually won't. You need that support in this isolating time. We need each other. So, don't be afraid to ask for help. No matter who that person might be. Just reach out.

This is quite a lengthy post, but I hope you feel seen and heard. It’s a harsh world out there and I want to spread kindness and hope in this uncertain time. To whoever needed to hear this, we love you. The world loves you. You got this. Just one small step at a time, okay? Be kind to yourself.

Love always,

Here's a list of links to online mental health resources:

1. Better Help

2. A list of Canadian resources and support

3. Hope for Wellness Chat and Health Line or call 1-855-242-3310

4. Canada Suicide Prevention Service, call 1-833-456-4566 (open 24/7) or text 45645 (4 pm to 12 am ET)

Make sure to take advantage of free counselling services in your area or school. If you are outside of Canada, you can look up resources available to you and don't be afraid to ask for help in looking for the right resources.

If you or someone you know are in immediate danger and are in great distress, please call 9-1-1.