Let's Talk About My Weight Journey (through thick and thin)

I’ve never really talked openly about my weight to anyone else except for a few people I trust. It’s a topic that I don’t find comfortable opening up about, so this post took me a long time to write up. I just want to put a little disclaimer before I start: this is all based on my experience. I don’t guarantee that this is going to be an amazing post. This is me writing about my journey the best way that I can right now in hopes that someone who’s going through a similar journey may be able to connect with my experiences and know they are not alone. Again, this is going to be a raw and unfiltered post. Only kind words will be acknowledged and appreciated.

So, here’s my weight journey….

I have always struggled with insecurities about my weight and my body ever since I was little. I was a chubby little kid who used to get teased a lot for being “fat”. People, including my own relatives, would call me names such as: “tambok (which means fat in English)” or “Carmel larger than the wall”. You can’t really blame me for believing them. I was merely a kid who knew nothing ---whose innocence and self-confidence had been robbed even before having the capability to discover who she really is. I believed what these people told me because that was all I’ve ever heard since day one.

I’ve never really had confidence in myself. It was a concept that seemed so far off, and I could only dream. Barbies were the ideal girls when I was younger. Everyone wanted to be like Barbie, and so did I. I thought that I was never good enough because I did not look like Barbie. Meanwhile, some kids I knew attended modelling camps and were living the “Barbie dream”, and I could only look from the sidelines. I was and always have been looking from the sidelines.

Meanwhile, some kids I knew attended modelling camps and were living the "Barbie dream", and I could only look from the sidelines.

With puberty comes weight loss. I became slender in high school as puberty decided to hit me. Yet, I still could not understand nor fathom how people still saw me as fat. According to my BMI, I was at the perfect weight. I was normal. However, to society, I was fat. I was never one to dress myself up. I would be content with hand-me-downs and anything anyone ever gave me as gifts. I just wanted to be invisible, hoping no one would notice me and my body.

I eventually found my circle of friends. They were all very preppy, stylish and always up on the latest trend… and then, there’s me. I stood out like a sore thumb. I eventually tried changing my style to fit theirs; however, wearing the wrong sized clothes. I had always fit my self into bigger clothes because I thought I was big. Even then, I thought, “the baggier, the more I get to hide”. Eventually, I went from big, loose clothes to clothes that barely even fit me. I was getting slimmer and I wanted to fit into the ideal size, so I would squeeze myself into tight skinny jeans that did not allow me to breathe. I didn’t care. I just wanted to fit into the ideal size. Now, you’d think this would have boosted my confidence but NO. You see, I was picked out as a candidate for Miss English in high school and boy was that traumatic. I just wanted to hide. I did not want anything to do with it. All the other candidates were pretty and slim and had experience with pageants before, and then there was me. I had gotten the occasional “Oh, you’re pretty. You’d make a really good model if only you were slimmer and taller.” And so, I continued on believing that I was never enough…

When I moved to Canada from the Philippines at the age of 18, I was depressed. I left my whole life back in Cebu and basically started from scratch in Calgary. In my first year and a half living in Canada, I had countless breakdowns and gained around 33 pounds and I was borderline overweight-obese. I absolutely hated my body. I could not look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted. That weight gain added to my depression and vice versa. On top of that, I had multiple acne breakouts because I was not at a healthy weight. I thought my body was disgusting. Anything I wore could not hide my shape. The baggier the clothes I wore, the larger I looked. My self-confidence was at zero. I even thought how my boyfriend at that time could still think that I was beautiful. I looked horrendous. I succumbed into self-loathing and continued stress-eating as I got myself deeper and deeper into depression.

Then, it just clicked one day. I know this doesn’t sound real, but it honestly just did. I decided I was going to eat healthy and watch my calories. Slowly but surely, I started losing all the extra weight I gained. I gained confidence knowing that I can wear anything I want without feeling “fat”. However, I was not happy. I was too self-conscious. I was counting every single calorie I ate and judged myself in the mirror. Yes, I was slim, but my thighs stayed massive and my belly won’t go away. I still hated myself. I thought that when I lost all the weight, I would finally be happy and confident and all those motherfuckers who bullied me for being fat can piss off. But, I wasn’t happy.

One cheat day turned into a cheat week and into cheat years. That one day when I said you deserve a treat absolutely fucked me up. I tried dieting and going back to that lifestyle again, but I realized that wasn’t healthy. I was just trying to push myself to be slimmer so I can fit into the ideal size and the ideal standard of society, but I wasn’t truly happy.

The years after that were probably the most eye-opening. I slowly gained weight and I was not too bothered by it. I wore clothes that I wanted to wear. I ate whatever I wanted. I admit, most days I still hated my body. I hated myself for not sticking to my diet or to a healthier lifestyle. But honestly, I became happier the less I cared.

When the pandemic hit, I stopped going to the gym. Most parts of the world were in lockdown, and that’s something we were not prepared for. So, I turned to cooking and baking. I hate to brag but I make bomb food hahaha but honestly, the weight gain that came with it is worth it because I enjoyed what I was doing. Now, Erika, Margoe, Mikee, and the rest of our girlfriends became closer last year. The lockdown became a chance for us to exchange food and baked goods, and trade flour for some active yeast. Out of everyone, I was the one who gained weight the most. I used to feel conscious whenever we’d all go out (after the lockdown was lifted, of course) because I always thought I was the “fat” one. I still cry over the fact that I can’t fit into my old shorts and jeans, but I’m honestly happy with my weight. Yes, I do get my days of self-loathing and judging my body in front of the mirror. But I have accepted my body. My boyfriend and the ME Project team have honestly helped me accept myself for who I am and not what I look like. Whenever I am with them, I don’t feel like a sore thumb. They bring out the best in me and showed me that it is okay to be myself. So, surround yourself with people who elevate you, support you, and who tell you you're a bad bitch when you feel like shit.

This journey honestly hasn’t been the easiest and it still is not over. To be honest with you, I have gained over 60 pounds and I am obese on the BMI scale. But you know what? I can wear whatever I want. I don’t have to feel bad because I don’t fit into a size small. I can be whoever I want to be. My stretch marks? They’re my battle scars! Size truly doesn’t matter. Size and weight do not define you. It’s how you treat people that matters. It’s your values, your talents, your abilities that define you. Don’t let other people tell you who you’re supposed to be. Believe in yourself and who you want to be.

My journey with my body isn’t over. I’m only human and will hate my body on some days, but I accept myself and love the body that I am in 90% of the time. I know my weight isn’t healthy and there are haters out there who will judge me for “promoting obesity”. But, you know what? Fuck what they think! I love my body and I’m taking one single step at a time to improve my health. Love your body, but love it enough that you try your best to make it healthy. You only get one body, one life. So, love it and take care of it.